Dear Donna

Bless your little hearts for submitting questions and allowing me to pursue my wildest dreams of following in Dear Abby’s perfectly polite foot-steps.

Well, that and being a truck driver. That was what my sweet little five year old heart yearned for once I could get my license. There were no plans to finish school; I just wanted to drive my big rig down the open road.

I find it quite fitting that while composing this post I am watching “The World’s Most Extreme Truck Stops.” And before you question my parenting abilities, MJ is asleep.

I decided to begin with a question that allowed me to merge my musings with legitimate online research.

(Cause we all know information found on-line is absolutely unequivocally true.)

Why does caffeine often make me feel really funny?

“Caffeine is a bitter, white crystalline xanthine alkaloid that is a psychoactive stimulant drug.”

My first concern is the combination of white, bitter and psychoactive. The description sounds eerily similar to that of a Real House Wives cast member, possibly from New Jersey. And she makes all of us feel really funny.

“Caffeine is also part of the chemical mixtures and insoluble complexes guaranine found in guarana, mateine found in mate, and theine found in tea; all of which contain additional alkaloids such as the cardiac stimulants theophylline and theobromine, and often other chemicals such as polyphenols which can form insoluble complexes with caffeine.”

Okay, I’m no scientist, but the concern here is “cardiac stimulants.” I think we can all understand how this contributes to making one feel funny. But not in as an entertaining way as the House Wives.

“In humans, caffeine is a central nervous system (CNS) stimulant, having the effect of temporarily warding off drowsiness and restoring alertness.”

I think this is a great effect and after having my first baby a mere 3 months ago; I sing the praises of caffeine for this ability. Though I would be more impressed if caffeine could come to my house, care for my crying baby in the middle of the night, change diapers, take long walks and ensure her naps lasted as long as possible during the day.

“Caffeine is found in varying quantities in the beans, leaves, and fruit of some plants, where it acts as a natural pesticide that paralyzes and kills certain insects feeding on the plants.”

It has the power to kill certain insects. I don’t know about y’all, but I’ve never been dead, so I can’t exactly speak from experience here. But being dead could possibly feel quite funny.

“Caffeine is the world's most widely consumed psychoactive substance, but unlike many other psychoactive substances it is legal and unregulated in nearly all jurisdictions.”

Please see above reference to psychoactive. Obviously drinking caffeine can lead to one acting like a Real House Wife, and I won’t even limit the possibilities to the New Jersey cast. I would also like to address the glaring lapse in law enforcement. Legal and unregulated? I think Star Bucks has something to do with this lack of regulation.

“Caffeine has diuretic properties, at least when administered in sufficient doses to subjects who do not have a tolerance for it.”

My final point is the diuretic property mentioned in the above statement. For those of you who may not be familiar with this term, caffeine can make you have to go. As in, go to the bathroom. I won’t expound because my mother-in-law reads this blog, but we all know THAT can feel funny.

My dear reader I do hope that my post and Wikipedia’s well stated research has helped you to see the light. As my favorite Ken always says on Intervention, I love you, but I can no longer love you to death.

I don’t have a free airline ticket to the nation’s hottest de-tox spot, but I think my free advice is just about as helpful.