Trying

These are trying times. I'm trying really hard. My kids are trying to make me lose my mind. God is trying to teach me something. J is trying to comfort me.

Saturday was a sad day. I cried a lot. So much I had puffy eyes for a day or so. I am grieving what I think should have been. My mom had been through a lot in her 68 years. Divorce, losing a son, injuries, poor health. I kinda' thought she deserved a break; that she should be able to enjoy her retirement in the beautiful mountains and love on her grand-babies.

Because that's SO MUCH better than heaven. Um. Even though they are super cute, eternity is way more awesome. I'm not being hard on myself. Just simply reminding myself of truth. His Truth. Cause that's all that is seeing me through this tough time.

I thought I was a champion survivor. I've lost a brother, a father, 4 grandparents and a father-in-law. I know. I'm so young. (Please don't feel led to give me the same speech they did when diagnosing me with sleep apnea.) But every situation is different. Mom was sick for so many years and I was consumed with organizing her care, taking her to appointments and arguing about her beloved natural remedies. There's a lot of empty space to sit and think. And be aware Mama doesn't need my help anymore.

And now I am a parent. It hurts my heart to hear M ask me when MeMew is coming back from heaven. Or when she watches me cry and says a prayer out loud for Jesus to help me. (And then reminds me she isn't going to cry because she is a big girl.) It's just a hurtful time. But not a hopeless time. I've tweaked some scripture and remind myself that "Jesus is a friend who sticks closer than a mother."

I took E's 9 month pictures. That made me cry too. Mom helped me pick out the dresses and she loved looking at the zillions of pics on the computer afterward. Almost as much as M likes to look at herself. Thankfully they are sweet and beautiful and make me smile every day...even when I hurt.