Every Day

I miss Mama at some point every day. I probably always will. The intensity of this grief and struggle has taken me by surprise. Instead of preparing me for this time, the past 6 years of care-giving gave me a new dimension, a part of who I am. And there is a void left in many areas of my life with her absence.

I no longer call every night to check on her. She doesn't sit by us in church. She can't come over in the evening to hold a cranky baby-girl. She doesn't need me to take her anywhere. No more drop-every-thing-mom's-in-an-ambulance-or-helicopter moments. She can't fix the new rips in our clothes or quilts.

I know that as time passes these things will no longer take me by surprise. Or hurt my heart.

I was pondering everything the other day. I realized that no matter how old Mama may have lived to be, it would never have been "enough." The illusion and allure of more time is just a mirage that leads to anger. I must choose to be thankful for the many wonderful years we had, and the amazing memories I have stored up in my heart. I must choose joy. I must choose thankfulness in the midst of sadness. Every day I must choose.

I have also been looking to find contentment in our new "everyday" life. Until there the extra time existed, I did not fully comprehend how much Mama was involved in our daily lives. Especially the past year as her health worsened and we welcomed a new baby into the family.

Today I am praising the Lord for my sweet Mama and her godly example. I see her determined / stubborn spirit in my girls. I see her squinty-smile-eyes when I take E's picture. I say her middle name at least once a day when calling M by her full name.

Here are some of today's sweet everyday moments.