Some days...

...are simply more difficult than others. Out of the blue, church made me terribly sad today. Made me miss my Mama sitting by me. Absently rubbing her hand like she always did during the service. And smelling like vanilla musk perfume. Maybe some tears leaked out. But I prayed really hard and avoided an ugly-cry during J's sermon.

(It was a great sermon by the way. Super proud of him.)

We are a few days away from the 6 month mark. But it feels like Mama died yesterday. I mean, I'm not as much of a basket case. I know this for certain because M no longer spontaneously tells strangers that I cry about Me-Me. And she no longer compares me to the crying woman in Dolphin Tale.

I still struggle with being easily frustrated and angered. I know it's a normal part of the grieving process. But I've found it challenging to grieve as a wife and mother. (Though I really doubt there is an easy way to grieve the loss of one's mother.) I feel as if I'm letting my family down during this hard season of life.

Thankfully, with grace and mercy, my husband and girls have provided much needed support and joy. If it were not for my family and the Lord, I may not have laughed at all during the past year and a half. And I definitely would not have gotten out of my bed during the last 6 months. Or brushed my hair. Or left my house.

I'm progressing in that I feel almost normal at home. But day trips, vacations, attempted camping trips or really any other extended social engagement of any sort...kind of makes me freak out inside. I now have a new empathy toward people with social phobias.

I can't explain it. I am certain a psychologist would have a very detailed answer(s). But I don't care why. I just know it's where I'm at in my grief and I just pray it's temporary. And I hope the rest of the world is so self-focused they don't notice my (worsened) social awkwardness and (heightened) impatience.

I am continually redirecting my mind and heart to God's Word and His Truth. I want to be mad that my Mama isn't here. I want to be jealous that other moms are. I want to focus on the negative and the pain. I want to just focus on myself.

But I should not do that. And I choose (most of the time) not to do that. By His grace and strength. By His mercy and power.

I record all of this rambling for me, for my girls, and for anyone that may stumble upon my random blog that may need to know they are not alone in the journey. I am still heartbroken. I am still uncertain. I am still unsteady.

But I am not alone and I am not hopeless.

“I keep my eyes always on the LORD. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.” Psalm 16:8