Remembering Mama

I was doing really well, not feeling too sad about the approaching one year anniversary of Mama's home-going. I think having my thyroid back to normal has helped my...um....mood swings. But I'm sitting here crying. And I blame it on two things: my ipod and J camping.

I like to cry by myself. I mean, don't get me wrong, pretty much all of North Georiga has seen me cry at some point or another the past 1.5 years. And I'm more open with my emotions than I've ever been. When needed. But at home, I really try to keep myself together because M started mentioning Me-Maw and then, almost as a challenge, would look right at me and say, "Are you gonna' cry now?"

But J is gone and the girls are (finally) sleeping. And stupid i-tunes went all crazy and deleted ALL of the music that was down-loaded from CDs. So I've been hauling out some old (but still great) CDs and re-creating my much needed play lists. And with all of that I am finding songs from back in the day. That trigger memories from childhood or high school or college. When Mama was here.

It's difficult to dwell on memories. Even happy ones. I can't watch her videos yet. It seems to lead me down the emotional road that ends in my focusing on how much I want her back instead of being able to rejoice in where she is now.

The grief is less of a sharp stab and more like a dull ache. I know from unfortunate experience that this is progress. And I know God will provide all that I need to see me through this season.

I wrote a poem for Mom's memorial service. It's a little cheese with the rhyming...but I wanted it on the blog for memory-keeping.

Psalm 139
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

My dearest Mama, you were His chosen daughter, most definitely fearfully and wonderfully made.

CHOSEN
Chosen to be the daughter of Harry and Jean
Chosen to dance as a majorette queen.
Chosen to be a nurse, a job that you loved
Chosen to help sick babies, it must’ve been tough.

Chosen to handle painful losses and trials
Chosen to bravely face heartache – never losing your smile.
Chosen to raise four amazing and crazy kids
Chosen to love us all to Jesus as you faithfully did.

Chosen to serve our Savior and King
Chosen to love animals and beautifully sing.
Chosen to join Danny and your stillborn twin
Chosen to celebrate Easter in His glorious heaven.

Chosen to leave behind a mighty legacy
Chosen to always remain a precious memory.
Chosen to encourage, inspire and love
Chosen to live eternally with Jesus above.